ADH III: Autopsy

I'm behind schedule. Herein lies the review for Autopsy, an After Dark Horrorfest III film.

Autopsy begins with five twentysomethings partying together during Mardi Gras. After enjoying themselves for most of the day the group decides to drive back to their motel, or to another bar, or to another city. It's all vague and blurry in my mind. (This movie sucked hardcore. I'm pretty sure my brain is just defending itself by trying to erase the memories).

Emily (the heroine of our tragic tale) takes the wheel and then promptly proceeds to get in an accident. Was it because of the copious amounts of alcohol she consumed or was it because her boyfriend Bobby distracted her? The world may never know. Of the five potential victims only two are female and both immediately start bawling. They have to be hugged and coddled by two of the menfolk. It was kind of nauseating.

While they're being comforted Jude (the requisite asshole of the bunch) decides to pee against the side of the totaled vehicle. Suddenly, a hand reaches out from below the car! Oh no! Emily inadvertently hit an old man! He's still alive! Here's a thought to ponder: how is it possible to hit a person and not realize it?

Various shenanigans ensue, then an ambulance shows up to take the old man to Mercy Hospital. The EMT's are tattooed and intimidating yet somehow manage to cajole the group into coming to the hospital for a routine checkup to make sure everyone's fine.

When the college students enter the hospital they're greeted by a scary nurse and told they all have to be looked over by the doctor. She then states there is only one physician currently on staff and everyone has to stay in the waiting area unless called. Bathroom breaks(!) and wandering around are not permitted.

The movie continues about how you'd expect. Nobody stays in a group and one by one the five unfortunate partiers disappear and/or are gorily executed. The evil doctor has Frankensteinein aspirations and is using body parts from his victims to keep his ailing and ugly wife alive. Pretty standard horror hospital fare.

Now, you may be reading this review and saying, "That sounds like bloody good fun! The plot might be standard but that doesn't mean the execution will be boring!" Sadly, you'd be wrong. This movie was a waste of time. I could forgive the painful one-liners, bad acting, and predictable punchline. What I can't forgive is the sheer amount of stupid inconsistencies this film had.

Mercy Hospital was a gigantic, sprawling building with only four employees; the nurse, the doctor, and the two EMT/orderlies. None of the dumb twentysomethings questioned this. They were placated with the flimsy explanation "only a skeleton crew is available after Katrina". Whatever. There were whole floors with no nurses or janitorial crew of any kind. Who would believe a cockamamie story like that?

The hospital appeared at first glance to be bright and welcoming. The viewer finds out later Mercy was decommisioned and is supposed to be empty. Who the hell is paying that enormous electricity bill? Wouldn't someone start to question why a supposedly vacant building was lit up like Christmas? There was also a gigantic storeroom filled with drugs and other medical supplies. I doubt the doctor bought them all; is the audience truly supposed to believe the pills were just left there to rot?

At one point Emily (who is slightly smarter than her peers but not by much) becomes suspicious and begins exploring the hospital. Patients are left to wander around at random and one gives Emily a spooky warning. As mentioned above, the doctor is killing people to keep his wife alive. So what's up with all the patients? Shouldn't they be dead with their organs safely put on ice? Is the doc saving them for later like a deranged spider?

Emily even manages to call 911 and a police cruiser comes by to check it out. One would think the cops would have looked up the hospital she mentioned and realized "Hey! It's decommisioned! WTF?" No, that's giving everyone in this movie too much credit. The officer does mention he thought the place was closed; however he is easily placated by the skeevy bleeding EMT. I have no words for how dumb people are in this film.

Oh well. Autopsy did have some interesting and gory death scenes. They weren't all great; this is definitely a glass-is-half-empty kind of movie. Emily's ill-fated boyfriend has ALL his organs outside the body yet he will not die. The organs are held up by slings in a circle around the poor dude for no discernable medical reason. Maybe a scriptwriter (I use that term loosely) though it looked cool...? They were so very wrong.

I usually end my negative reviews by mentioning a few positives just so y'all don't think I'm being overly harsh. Here goes. Even though Emily was kind of an idiot I rooted for her. Most of her friends' deaths were brutal and I felt sorry for them. Ummm, maybe if a person turns off their logic brain the movie isn't that bad? I got nothin'.

Two disappointed thumbs-down!

-- amber t